I really think this verse can speak for itself and of course it means something a little different for everyone. I was presented this verse a year ago yesterday as I struggled with understanding the impact I was wanting to make. My situation is different this year. I know that I can make an impact where I'm at - that's not the struggle. The struggle is with feeling like I'm not in the right place. There's a lot of things coming against me day in and day out. It's frustrating because over summer this seemed like a "sure thing".
When I was in high school, I felt God placed a calling of missions to Africa in my heart. I didn't know what it looked like or when it would happen. I just knew that's where God wanted me to go. College came and went. I got married, settled down with a kid and went back to school for a teaching degree. Still longing in my heart to make my way to Africa, just with family in tow. I finished my degree, got my certification, and stayed in my current employment situation awaiting a different missions call that as a family we thought was our direction. God closed that door after many months of learning, growing, and stretching us. The plan for me was never to stay in that employment situation, it was a means to an end because it was a decent job with a decent employer. Yet I stayed after the door closed instead of listening to God. He eventually forced me through the open door He wanted me to go through.
Thus began my teaching career officially. I went through a year of substituting followed by a summer school stint - both in STL city charter schools. The next school year was quickly approaching and I was without a position - of course my substitute gig was welcoming me back with open arms. Then I got a call. A full-time position teaching English to 7th and 8th graders at an inner city charter school.
This time a year ago, I was questioning myself constantly about the impact I was making in their lives. Did it even matter that I was there? What purpose did I have being their teacher? Then it dawned on me - this is my Africa. I say that in two parts - one because all of my students were of the African-American race but also because this was my mission field. God never clearly defined Africa for me in high school - just that I was supposed to be on mission to children of that descent.
That's why this job seemed to be a "sure thing". It had so many similarities to my school in STL - while obviously being different in the other ways. However, it was another inner city charter school with a majority population listed as African-American. Yet, the trials have changed. Instead of worrying about what impact I'm making in these kids lives, I'm struggling to understand the educational world we currently live in. Am I still meant to be a teacher? Is this worth it? Am I as good a teacher as people claim I am? I know I can teach. I know I can give instruction about concepts and skills and strategies and incorporate real world practicality to it. But here's the thing - none of that matters in this current educational climate. So I've been left sitting here looking to the sky asking God, "what am I to do?"
Even if this is a simple testing of my faith, I'm still lost as to what my work life will be. I have no fear of what my faith will respond - even if it does falter here and there. I know that in the end I will be on God's side. But being lost is a scary thing. Not knowing what comes next is daunting - especially when you have a family and financial responsibilities to take part in.
So what does this verse mean in this situation?
Rejoice because for some time you have been worrying over struggles. These tested the strength of your faith - which is more precious than gold which burns in a fire, a testing of its strength - which will end in praise of Jesus and the revealing of all He has done.
So as I sit here reading and reflecting on my situation and this verse, I see that I need to rejoice and thank God - there's things that I can be thankful for even while I sit in my struggle and confusion.I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful that I don't have to drive far to get to work. I'm thankful that I have a handful of students who I have some kind of relationship with that make coming to work easier - even if it's on a completely different realm than my relationships with my students last year.
I am thankful because my strength has increased every time I've fallen to my knees to talk to God whether in joy or anger or sadness since this journey has begun.
I am thankful that I have the opportunity to reveal Christ to these kids who so desperately need hope in their lives - even though I know I fail daily at it because of the situations that arise day in and day out - but I can make that a prayer to become stronger in this aspect so I can be a better light of Christ.
I can use this verse to look over the ways I can be thankful and rejoice, which too often I have focused more on the negative instead. That's what this verse means for this situation.
A year ago, I struggled to feel like I made an impact. Today, I struggle to know if I'm even where God wants me to be. A year changes a lot. We can either learn and grow, or stay firmly planted where our feet have us. I know I still have a lot of learning and growing to do - and as painful as it can be, I welcome it.
In Christ's love,
~C-Tay :)
