In a bible study I'm currently going through on my own, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, I just started the third week where it talks about Believing. I've just gone through Leaving and Famine sections where it talks about leaving something behind to follow God (section 1) and dealing with losing the item we've left behind (section 2). I struggled with knowing what it was I was leaving behind. I still am not completely sure what exactly God is calling me to leave. I mean, sure I'm in the middle of a big move - away from family and friends and it's not like my trip to Bethany, WV where I can call my daddy to come get me if I don't like it! And I always told Josh, "where you go I will follow". So I don't feel like leaving St. Louis was really what God was asking me to leave - even if it's the obvious thing I'm leaving. I've struggled with this majorly, especially not knowing my job situation here in Cincy. Am I still supposed to teach? Does it look like a classroom position? Am I supposed to be a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom for those of you who aren't familiar with the text lingo) like my dream and focus on our business enterprises - my photography, Amway, Celebrating Homes? What is it God is wanting from me right now????
Have you ever been in a situation where you were just completely helpless, or at least felt that way? It sucks. You're left wondering ... well a lot of things. When you're looking for God's direction and waiting on it, you begin to feel helpless and lost. It's easy to want to give up and give in. I struggle with patiently waiting ... not so much the patient part but really with the waiting. I can make myself be patient when I think about having to wait, that's not the issue. I don't like having to wait. I don't like lapse of time between things. I want everything to flow concurrently within my life so there's no gaps. But sometimes there needs to be gaps.
In my reading for today, the study suggested reading I Kings 19:11-12. It says,
"And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper".
My waiting was rocked.
Elijah was told to go and wait for the Lord to come speak to him. Before the Lord came and spoke, Elijah had to surpass a strong wind. After that, an earthquake. Then finally, a fire. Once the fire was gone, the Lord whispered. The kind of whisper that you use when you're sharing a secret with your BFF in their ear so no one else could hear. Or at least that's how I read it! :D Anyways, this passage opened my eyes to my wait time. Sometimes I will have to go through some things before I will hear the Lord's voice. These things will only make me stronger. I mean, c'mon what kind of man makes it through a windstorm, an earthquake, AND a fire!! I have to bide my time, suffer through the wait, and trust in God. I know I can trust in God. He has proven Himself true over and over again to me. I know in the end He will provide and sustain me. It's the getting to the end that I struggle with.
I'm still unsure of the path God has drawn out for me while I'm here in Cincy. There's a few different options available but nothing set in stone, nothing - currently - on the same path that I was on. Maybe that's what God is asking me to give up - the path I know well and have traveled on recently. It's hard moving into the unknown, but like Abraham, Noah, Ruth, Samuel, David, Jeremiah from the Old Testament and Simon Peter & Andrew in the New Testament (among others) we must go through a leaving process first before going to new heights with Him (What Happens When, 23).
I'm going to share with you one of my reflections from a day in this study. You'll recognize the lines as they're lines from songs during my worship/reflection time. This seems to be the embodiment of my current situation...
WAIT, that's all I keep hearing - WAIT and RELY.
I need You.
Your grace is sufficient.
My heart and my soul, I give You control from the inside out.
I will wait on You (Psalm 13!).
I will call upon Your name... my soul will rest in Your embrace.
In Christ's love,
~Colleen :)
