"But Lot's wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." Gen 19:26
I was on my way home from visiting STL and my heart was feeling heavy. I was dreading coming back to Cincinnati. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and I definitely wanted to be done with the 5 hour drive, but I was sad to yet again leave behind loved ones who are struggling to let go just as much as I am and I didn't want to face work the next day. I sent Josh the following text message; "What am I doing with my life? I mean I tell everybody that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do, but then why am I not happy?"
Like Lot's wife, I followed my husband. I know God has a plan and is laying it out before our feet - I mean c'mon... the fact that my principal prayed me into the position that I myself was praying for?? Hello - God-given!!
Like Lot's wife, I've been finding myself looking back, longing for the things left behind. CSR is nothing like PMA. Cincy is nothing like STL. FFC is nothing like Pathway. Compare, compare, compare. Josh answered me back saying "...You look back at all the accomplishments and relationships and want them right away. God is wanting us to rely on Him to make the difference through us..."
As soon as I read that text message, God brought to mind this verse. Strange that I would know this verse so well that it was hidden in my heart for this moment, but here it was. "But Lot's wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." God called Lot and his family up out of Sodom because of the evil that was happening there. He had a bigger and better plan for them, if they would just pack up and leave and not look back. Why shouldn't they look back? This was their home. They were surely leaving behind loved ones. They definitely couldn't take everything with them.
When I first read this verse many years ago, I just took Lot's wife's action as a curiosity of what was happening to the city. However, yesterday it took a whole new meaning for me. Now, I'm not saying there is evil left behind in STL. (I mean, the city does have it's share of problems - but what city doesn't?!) Lot's wife wasn't supposed to long for the things she was told to leave behind because what God had in store for them was even greater than the sin and debauchery that lived in Sodom.
That is my take-away. I'm not supposed to long for the things left behind - miss them, sure, to a certain extent. To miss them only so that it doesn't interfere with the plans God has laid out for me here in Cincy. If I'm too focused on what's left behind, I can't see what God has presented before me. I can't see the opportunities that He has placed in my path. I don't want my life to idolize what I've left behind so that I become a pillar of salt in my community.
I pray that whatever it is in your life that is causing you to look back like Lot's wife, you may realize that God has a better thing right in front of you to focus on. Pray for me that I may extend my focus there as well.
In Christ's Love,
~C-Tay :)
Monday, September 21, 2015
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Wait and Rely Part 2
If you haven't read this post (Waiting for the Voice of God) do so first ...
I recently went to the movies to see "War Room". This is a Christian based flick talking about the power of prayer. It held a lot of great truth that I've always known but kept filed in the back of my head. It held a lot of great ideas of how to grow your prayer life, things I've desired but can't seem to "find the time" to implement. Over the summer, being a teacher, I had a lot of down time. For once I was able to spend some deep devoted time with God as soon as the kids were asleep for their nap - something that I've always craved. See in my little brain, if I can't spend an adequate amount of time, it's just not worth it. This is also the brain that would tell me once I finally got to the parking lot in college, even if I was only 5 minutes late, that I shouldn't walk in - it's not worth it - and I would turn around and go home. I usually chalk it up it to my anxiety disorder, but I also know it's a tool in satan's toolbox to keep me from getting closer to my Father. Anyways, back to the matter at hand. I would sit in the room without the distractions of TV, computer, etc. and pull out my bible study, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and spend some time with God. Afterwards, I would meditate on the Word, pray, read a little something else - whatever I deemed necessary to fill that time. Those few weeks were a couple of the deepest for me as I struggled to understand what God was calling me to be here in Cincinnati.
By the time I got to week 5, I still had no idea of where to be except that I just kept hearing "wait and rely on Me". See, I had been offered a full-time teaching position, but something inside was saying "no" to it. It was to teach 4-6th grade as one group and I would have to teach every subject - I don't do math.... so that was a big issue for me, even though she had said I could co-teach it. But that "no" inside was resounding every time I thought about the position. Pretty much everyone that I talked to about it was saying it sounded like a great opportunity. Good pay, right age group, in the charter system like I wanted, and it was full-time!
After the devotional reading, she has a section for personal bible study. In part one she gave us a list of things to do while in a waiting period - how did she know I was still waiting? lol - She then asked "What are you waiting for? How will this help you?" How else could I answer these questions but to pray these things to God. (Here's where I get vulnerable and share with you the deepest cries of my heart in a time I needed God... remember I told you God's been laying it on my heart to be more open about my walk!)
1. Do not lost confidence in God's goodness - God I'm not confident at all. I don't know what You are asking of me. Do I go the safe route and change my teaching direction? Do I give up my teaching career and focus on my personal businesses?
2. Be strong - God, I put on a strong face, but inside I'm weak - so weak.
3. Do not lose hope - I have hope in You and Your provisions. I know they'll come. You never fail me.
4. Let God be your shield and help - God, did you send Ashleigh as a shield for me? Was she a stop sign, an answer to the confusion of my direction?
5. Be patient - Forgive me for sounding bitter, I don't want to be ... I started this in April and I feel like I still don't have a clue. I know it takes time and I know You are building this up for us - But I just want a straight answer!!
6. Continue to cry out to God - God, show me the way!!!
7. Cling to His word - Ps. 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." God, I love You deeply and I know You see that. I know I need to get better at certain things in our relationship. God, continue to grow me to be more like You.
8. Watch for His answers - I feel so diluted in my judgment of Your answers. I want a simple direction, I'm too confused, too hesitant.
9. Trust in His unfailing love - This sticks out in a new way today...not focusing on the love part but on the unfailing part. No matter what You never fail. Your love covers all and I need to focus on that. If You love us, You'll protect us.
10. Rejoice in His redemption - Def 2 (Google Search: Redemption) "The action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment or clearing a debt." I love this definition, God. You have regained possession of me by sending Jesus to pay my debt. Thank You!
The rest of the week was a week of praying ... simple prayers, deep prayers, prayers of thanksgiving, prayers of guidance, prayers of acknowledgement to what He has required. I realized in this week that God was sending me messengers. One of them was mentioned in my prayers above. I had a conversation with someone who was also talking with that school and it confirmed the feelings of "no" I was feeling inside. However I still had no clue what life was bringing my way. If I said no, what other options did I have? I sat down with Josh and we talked things over. I poured out to him all my dreams and desires, what I saw God was calling me to, with an understanding that I still didn't quite know the end result. We left the conversation both deciding we needed to devote more time to this with God.
A couple weeks later, I decided to try my hand one last time at applying for teaching positions. I got onto the AppliTrack guide and began updating and filling things out for anything and everything middle-high school English related. I finished up, wishing I had my Ohio certificate because I figured this was a hinderance to schools hiring me but praying that at least one school would be understanding. I submitted the applications and went to my email because they send out a confirmation. Guess what I found in my mailbox next to the confirmation of my application submission? Yep, my Ohio certificate! So I knew I had a couple options. Go back in and re-do everything over and look foolish (in my eyes) for submitting two duplicate applications within minutes of each other. Take some time to search for emails of the schools I applied to so I could explain the situation and give them the updated information. Or, just sit back and hope for the best. Like any blue-blooded American nowadays, I took my dilemma to FB, HA! I knew I wasn't going to go re-do the whole thing. My question was, should I be passive-agressive and hope or take a step of pro-activeness? My wise earthly father gave me my answer, so on July 15th I compiled a list of emails of the schools and told them about the situation and attached my OH certificate. On July 16th I was called by CSR Academy for an interview. I finally had my answer.
Sometimes it is hard to sit back and wait. Sometimes, it is hard to rely on God because we want to figure things out ourselves. However, in those moments of waiting and relying, so much growth happens. I know because I was faithful in my waiting, God was faithful in answering my prayers. I wanted to be at a school similar to where I was last year, iLead wasn't meeting that criteria exactly but CSR meets it through and through. God is blessing me greatly at this school - something for another post on a different day! - and all I can really do in these moments is praise God for being faithful to me in everything.
In Christ's Love,
~Colleen :)
I recently went to the movies to see "War Room". This is a Christian based flick talking about the power of prayer. It held a lot of great truth that I've always known but kept filed in the back of my head. It held a lot of great ideas of how to grow your prayer life, things I've desired but can't seem to "find the time" to implement. Over the summer, being a teacher, I had a lot of down time. For once I was able to spend some deep devoted time with God as soon as the kids were asleep for their nap - something that I've always craved. See in my little brain, if I can't spend an adequate amount of time, it's just not worth it. This is also the brain that would tell me once I finally got to the parking lot in college, even if I was only 5 minutes late, that I shouldn't walk in - it's not worth it - and I would turn around and go home. I usually chalk it up it to my anxiety disorder, but I also know it's a tool in satan's toolbox to keep me from getting closer to my Father. Anyways, back to the matter at hand. I would sit in the room without the distractions of TV, computer, etc. and pull out my bible study, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and spend some time with God. Afterwards, I would meditate on the Word, pray, read a little something else - whatever I deemed necessary to fill that time. Those few weeks were a couple of the deepest for me as I struggled to understand what God was calling me to be here in Cincinnati.
By the time I got to week 5, I still had no idea of where to be except that I just kept hearing "wait and rely on Me". See, I had been offered a full-time teaching position, but something inside was saying "no" to it. It was to teach 4-6th grade as one group and I would have to teach every subject - I don't do math.... so that was a big issue for me, even though she had said I could co-teach it. But that "no" inside was resounding every time I thought about the position. Pretty much everyone that I talked to about it was saying it sounded like a great opportunity. Good pay, right age group, in the charter system like I wanted, and it was full-time!
After the devotional reading, she has a section for personal bible study. In part one she gave us a list of things to do while in a waiting period - how did she know I was still waiting? lol - She then asked "What are you waiting for? How will this help you?" How else could I answer these questions but to pray these things to God. (Here's where I get vulnerable and share with you the deepest cries of my heart in a time I needed God... remember I told you God's been laying it on my heart to be more open about my walk!)
1. Do not lost confidence in God's goodness - God I'm not confident at all. I don't know what You are asking of me. Do I go the safe route and change my teaching direction? Do I give up my teaching career and focus on my personal businesses?
2. Be strong - God, I put on a strong face, but inside I'm weak - so weak.
3. Do not lose hope - I have hope in You and Your provisions. I know they'll come. You never fail me.
4. Let God be your shield and help - God, did you send Ashleigh as a shield for me? Was she a stop sign, an answer to the confusion of my direction?
5. Be patient - Forgive me for sounding bitter, I don't want to be ... I started this in April and I feel like I still don't have a clue. I know it takes time and I know You are building this up for us - But I just want a straight answer!!
6. Continue to cry out to God - God, show me the way!!!
7. Cling to His word - Ps. 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." God, I love You deeply and I know You see that. I know I need to get better at certain things in our relationship. God, continue to grow me to be more like You.
8. Watch for His answers - I feel so diluted in my judgment of Your answers. I want a simple direction, I'm too confused, too hesitant.
9. Trust in His unfailing love - This sticks out in a new way today...not focusing on the love part but on the unfailing part. No matter what You never fail. Your love covers all and I need to focus on that. If You love us, You'll protect us.
10. Rejoice in His redemption - Def 2 (Google Search: Redemption) "The action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment or clearing a debt." I love this definition, God. You have regained possession of me by sending Jesus to pay my debt. Thank You!
The rest of the week was a week of praying ... simple prayers, deep prayers, prayers of thanksgiving, prayers of guidance, prayers of acknowledgement to what He has required. I realized in this week that God was sending me messengers. One of them was mentioned in my prayers above. I had a conversation with someone who was also talking with that school and it confirmed the feelings of "no" I was feeling inside. However I still had no clue what life was bringing my way. If I said no, what other options did I have? I sat down with Josh and we talked things over. I poured out to him all my dreams and desires, what I saw God was calling me to, with an understanding that I still didn't quite know the end result. We left the conversation both deciding we needed to devote more time to this with God.
A couple weeks later, I decided to try my hand one last time at applying for teaching positions. I got onto the AppliTrack guide and began updating and filling things out for anything and everything middle-high school English related. I finished up, wishing I had my Ohio certificate because I figured this was a hinderance to schools hiring me but praying that at least one school would be understanding. I submitted the applications and went to my email because they send out a confirmation. Guess what I found in my mailbox next to the confirmation of my application submission? Yep, my Ohio certificate! So I knew I had a couple options. Go back in and re-do everything over and look foolish (in my eyes) for submitting two duplicate applications within minutes of each other. Take some time to search for emails of the schools I applied to so I could explain the situation and give them the updated information. Or, just sit back and hope for the best. Like any blue-blooded American nowadays, I took my dilemma to FB, HA! I knew I wasn't going to go re-do the whole thing. My question was, should I be passive-agressive and hope or take a step of pro-activeness? My wise earthly father gave me my answer, so on July 15th I compiled a list of emails of the schools and told them about the situation and attached my OH certificate. On July 16th I was called by CSR Academy for an interview. I finally had my answer.
Sometimes it is hard to sit back and wait. Sometimes, it is hard to rely on God because we want to figure things out ourselves. However, in those moments of waiting and relying, so much growth happens. I know because I was faithful in my waiting, God was faithful in answering my prayers. I wanted to be at a school similar to where I was last year, iLead wasn't meeting that criteria exactly but CSR meets it through and through. God is blessing me greatly at this school - something for another post on a different day! - and all I can really do in these moments is praise God for being faithful to me in everything.
In Christ's Love,
~Colleen :)
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