Communication as a Christian

8When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over all Israel, all the Philistines went up to search for David. But David heard of it and went out against them. 9Now the Philistines had come and made a raid in the Valley of Rephaim. 10And David inquired of God, "Shall I go up against the Philistines? Will you give them into my hand?" And the Lord said to him, "Go up, and I will give them into your hand." 11And he went up to Baal-perazim, and David struck them down there. And David said, "God has broken through my enemies by my hand, like a bursting flood." Therefore the name of that place is called Baal-perazim. 12And they left their gods there, and David gave command, and they were burned.

13And the Philistines yet again made a raid in the valley. 14And when David again inquired of God, God said to him, "You shall not go up after them; go around and come against them opposite the balsam trees.15And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then go out to battle, for God has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines." 16And David did as God commanded him, and they struck down the Philistine army from Gibeon to Gezer.17And the fame of David went out into all lands, and the Lord brought the fear of him upon all nations.
I Chronicles 14:8-17 (emphasis mine)

I don't think it's a secret that I've been struggling with my placement this past year. When I accepted the position at CSR, I believed God had answered me concretely and opened the door for me to teach here in Cincinnati. CSR proved to be a challenging school to teach in for many reasons. Regardless, I did my best to remain steadfast and keep my head high as I followed God's direction in teaching here.
Lately I've been thinking and sort of praying about next steps. Where do I go from here? Do I stay at CSR or move on. Everyday I have an attitude change. One minute I think "I can stay and keep doing this" although that's usually followed by a "except this needs to change". Then the next minute I think "I can't wait to get away from here and move on to something else." That's usually followed by a "Finnegan, can you please hurry up so I can just be done already?!" Maybe that's all just pregnancy hormones - you know going back and forth, changing my mind and my moods. It's been a hard year because too often I catch myself comparing CSR to PMA and while at first glance they have a lot of similarities, when you get down into it, they are very different places. Not to mention 5/6 is a totally different world of teaching than 7/8!

I've been doing this reading plan from YouVersion (for a long time ... I typically find myself missing a day and then not ever catching myself up, although lately I've been knocking it out!! Whoo, go me! :D) called "Discipleship Journal's Book-at-a-time Reading Plan". This plan gives you 4-5 chapters each day to read, the first few are from the same book and the last is from one of the "poetry" books - you know, Psalm, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon/Songs (depending on  your version lol). Saturday's reading was in I Chronicles and the second entry came from chapter 14. A short chapter, but the second section hit me deep. Here's the section one more time in case you forgot what you first read (I know I would've!)

8When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over all Israel, all the Philistines went up to search for David. But David heard of it and went out against them. 9Now the Philistines had come and made a raid in the Valley of Rephaim. 10And David inquired of God, "Shall I go up against the Philistines? Will you give them into my hand?" And the Lord said to him, "Go up, and I will give them into your hand." 11And he went up to Baal-perazim, and David struck them down there. And David said, "God has broken through my enemies by my hand, like a bursting flood." Therefore the name of that place is called Baal-perazim. 12And they left their gods there, and David gave command, and they were burned.

13And the Philistines yet again made a raid in the valley. 14And when David again inquired of God, God said to him, "You shall not go up after them; go around and come against them opposite the balsam trees.15And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then go out to battle, for God has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines." 16And David did as God commanded him, and they struck down the Philistine army from Gibeon to Gezer.17And the fame of David went out into all lands, and the Lord brought the fear of him upon all nations.
I Chronicles 14:8-17 (emphasis mine)

Why did it hit me deep? Because I see David's faithfulness playing out and realized I haven't been that faithful. I've been assuming and wishing. Verse 10 shows us that David prayed to God initially about attacking the Philistines, and God answered him directly. "Go up and I will give them into your hand." After following God's directions and defeating them, the Philistines again tried to raid the land. In verse 14, instead of assuming and wishing for a result about how to fight them this time, David again went to God and asked "what should I do? God changed attack plans. "Don't go up, go around from behind the trees and then attack. I will be there before you and crush them" (paraphrased ... obviously). Again, David followed faithfully his instructions and beat the Philistines.
Here's what I learned - I can't assume God wants me to stay because he originally opened this door. I can't assume God wants me to move on simply because I'm not happy. I can't wish for things to just fall into place. I need to have an open dialogue with Him about what I want and need and how I feel about it. But not only that, I need to just be straight with Him and ask simply "What should I do?" and wait for His response. I've been spending more time whining and crying out about this and that and how I feel than I have simply asking "What should I do, Lord?" and being still.
 We've talked about prayer a lot at youth group and have been focusing a lot of our beginning time on prayer and going to God with things. Josh has emphasized time and time again, God wants to hear from us. God wants to know how I feel, even if He already knows it, because He wants to be my BFF. How many of you have BFF's that know there's something up before you've even said anything?! That's how God works! Not only that, but God wants to give us directions on how to deal with the problems and requests we bring to Him - if we'd just listen. Again, how many of you have BFF's that you go to for advice and then after spilling your guts just turn around and leave before they say anything? It's just not normal behavior to do that to your BFF! You wait for them to give you some direction, even if they sit in silence to sort out all the details, you sit and wait. This is how we need to treat our prayer time with God! Yet, too often, we cut it short. "Well I said everything I needed to say. Love ya. Goodnight." God commands us to "be still and know that I am God" in Psalm 46:10. We need to take the time to sit in His presence and know what comes next.

Please understand, this is just as much a call to action for myself as it is to all Christians. I struggle greatly in my own personal prayer life in maintaining and sustaining it. So if you're feeling convicted, it's the Holy Spirit working in you, just like He's working in me as I write this and read my study plan. We are in this together - we need to be up front and honest with each other as Christians to not just hold each other accountable but to HELP each other in our weaknesses. We've gotten away from this in the American church (maybe even in other countries as well!) James 5:16 (emphasis mine) tells us to "... confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." Yet we're too ashamed to do this because we think "no one understands my struggles". If we're open and honest, we'd be amazed at how many people may relate in some way if not specifically the same.
 This has been a hard call for me. I am a pastor's wife. I am held to a certain standard. If I show people a weakness, then too often I'm not who or what I should be as a pastor's wife. However, I promised myself that when we moved to Cincinnati I would be more transparent. It is my duty as a Christian to be this way (again, read James 5:16). Take it or leave it, but I know I am doing right by my Heavenly Father in this.

I seemed to have gotten on a mini-soap box but it fit the bill and tied in with this message. Besides, when the Spirit leads, you follow!
Pray for me to continue in this process with God and my prayer time as well as the decisions to be made for the following year. I'll be praying that the message here works in you in some way.

In Christ's love,
~C-Tay :)

Welcoming Trials

 
I really think this verse can speak for itself and of course it means something a little different for everyone. I was presented this verse a year ago yesterday as I struggled with understanding the impact I was wanting to make. My situation is different this year. I know that I can make an impact where I'm at - that's not the struggle. The struggle is with feeling like I'm not in the right place. There's a lot of things coming against me day in and day out. It's frustrating because over summer this seemed like a "sure thing".

When I was in high school, I felt God placed a calling of missions to Africa in my heart. I didn't know what it looked like or when it would happen. I just knew that's where God wanted me to go. College came and went. I got married, settled down with a kid and went back to school for a teaching degree. Still longing in my heart to make my way to Africa, just with family in tow. I finished my degree, got my certification, and stayed in my current employment situation awaiting a different missions call that as a family we thought was our direction. God closed that door after many months of learning, growing, and stretching us. The plan for me was never to stay in that employment situation, it was a means to an end because it was a decent job with a decent employer. Yet I stayed after the door closed instead of listening to God. He eventually forced me through the open door He wanted me to go through.

Thus began my teaching career officially. I went through a year of substituting followed by a summer school stint - both in STL city charter schools. The next school year was quickly approaching and I was without a position - of course my substitute gig was welcoming me back with open arms. Then I got a call. A full-time position teaching English to 7th and 8th graders at an inner city charter school.

This time a year ago, I was questioning myself constantly about the impact I was making in their lives. Did it even matter that I was there? What purpose did I have being their teacher? Then it dawned on me - this is my Africa. I say that in two parts - one because all of my students were of the African-American race but also because this was my mission field. God never clearly defined Africa for me in high school - just that I was supposed to be on mission to children of that descent.

That's why this job seemed to be a "sure thing". It had so many similarities to my school in STL - while obviously being different in the other ways. However, it was another inner city charter school with a majority population listed as African-American. Yet, the trials have changed. Instead of worrying about what impact I'm making in these kids lives, I'm struggling to understand the educational world we currently live in. Am I still meant to be a teacher? Is this worth it? Am I as good a teacher as people claim I am? I know I can teach. I know I can give instruction about concepts and skills and strategies and incorporate real world practicality to it. But here's the thing - none of that matters in this current educational climate. So I've been left sitting here looking to the sky asking God, "what am I to do?"

Even if this is a simple testing of my faith, I'm still lost as to what my work life will be. I have no fear of what my faith will respond - even if it does falter here and there. I know that in the end I will be on God's side. But being lost is a scary thing. Not knowing what comes next is daunting - especially when you have a family and financial responsibilities to take part in.

So what does this verse mean in this situation?

Let me restate this from the ESV into my own personal understanding of the verse -

Rejoice because for some time you have been worrying over struggles. These tested the strength of your faith - which is more precious than gold which burns in a fire, a testing of its strength - which will end in praise of Jesus and the revealing of all He has done.

So as I sit here reading and reflecting on my situation and this verse, I see that I need to rejoice and thank God - there's things that I can be thankful for even while I sit in my struggle and confusion.
I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful that I don't have to drive far to get to work. I'm thankful that I have a handful of students who I have some kind of relationship with that make coming to work easier - even if it's on a completely different realm than my relationships with my students last year.
I am thankful because my strength has increased every time I've fallen to my knees to talk to God whether in joy or anger or sadness since this journey has begun.
I am thankful that I have the opportunity to reveal Christ to these kids who so desperately need hope in their lives - even though I know I fail daily at it because of the situations that arise day in and day out - but I can make that a prayer to become stronger in this aspect so I can be a better light of Christ.
I can use this verse to look over the ways I can be thankful and rejoice, which too often I have focused more on the negative instead. That's what this verse means for this situation.

A year ago, I struggled to feel like I made an impact. Today, I struggle to know if I'm even where God wants me to be. A year changes a lot. We can either learn and grow, or stay firmly planted where our feet have us. I know I still have a lot of learning and growing to do - and as painful as it can be, I welcome it.

In Christ's love,
~C-Tay :)