Communication as a Christian

8When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over all Israel, all the Philistines went up to search for David. But David heard of it and went out against them. 9Now the Philistines had come and made a raid in the Valley of Rephaim. 10And David inquired of God, "Shall I go up against the Philistines? Will you give them into my hand?" And the Lord said to him, "Go up, and I will give them into your hand." 11And he went up to Baal-perazim, and David struck them down there. And David said, "God has broken through my enemies by my hand, like a bursting flood." Therefore the name of that place is called Baal-perazim. 12And they left their gods there, and David gave command, and they were burned.

13And the Philistines yet again made a raid in the valley. 14And when David again inquired of God, God said to him, "You shall not go up after them; go around and come against them opposite the balsam trees.15And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then go out to battle, for God has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines." 16And David did as God commanded him, and they struck down the Philistine army from Gibeon to Gezer.17And the fame of David went out into all lands, and the Lord brought the fear of him upon all nations.
I Chronicles 14:8-17 (emphasis mine)

I don't think it's a secret that I've been struggling with my placement this past year. When I accepted the position at CSR, I believed God had answered me concretely and opened the door for me to teach here in Cincinnati. CSR proved to be a challenging school to teach in for many reasons. Regardless, I did my best to remain steadfast and keep my head high as I followed God's direction in teaching here.
Lately I've been thinking and sort of praying about next steps. Where do I go from here? Do I stay at CSR or move on. Everyday I have an attitude change. One minute I think "I can stay and keep doing this" although that's usually followed by a "except this needs to change". Then the next minute I think "I can't wait to get away from here and move on to something else." That's usually followed by a "Finnegan, can you please hurry up so I can just be done already?!" Maybe that's all just pregnancy hormones - you know going back and forth, changing my mind and my moods. It's been a hard year because too often I catch myself comparing CSR to PMA and while at first glance they have a lot of similarities, when you get down into it, they are very different places. Not to mention 5/6 is a totally different world of teaching than 7/8!

I've been doing this reading plan from YouVersion (for a long time ... I typically find myself missing a day and then not ever catching myself up, although lately I've been knocking it out!! Whoo, go me! :D) called "Discipleship Journal's Book-at-a-time Reading Plan". This plan gives you 4-5 chapters each day to read, the first few are from the same book and the last is from one of the "poetry" books - you know, Psalm, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon/Songs (depending on  your version lol). Saturday's reading was in I Chronicles and the second entry came from chapter 14. A short chapter, but the second section hit me deep. Here's the section one more time in case you forgot what you first read (I know I would've!)

8When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over all Israel, all the Philistines went up to search for David. But David heard of it and went out against them. 9Now the Philistines had come and made a raid in the Valley of Rephaim. 10And David inquired of God, "Shall I go up against the Philistines? Will you give them into my hand?" And the Lord said to him, "Go up, and I will give them into your hand." 11And he went up to Baal-perazim, and David struck them down there. And David said, "God has broken through my enemies by my hand, like a bursting flood." Therefore the name of that place is called Baal-perazim. 12And they left their gods there, and David gave command, and they were burned.

13And the Philistines yet again made a raid in the valley. 14And when David again inquired of God, God said to him, "You shall not go up after them; go around and come against them opposite the balsam trees.15And when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then go out to battle, for God has gone out before you to strike down the army of the Philistines." 16And David did as God commanded him, and they struck down the Philistine army from Gibeon to Gezer.17And the fame of David went out into all lands, and the Lord brought the fear of him upon all nations.
I Chronicles 14:8-17 (emphasis mine)

Why did it hit me deep? Because I see David's faithfulness playing out and realized I haven't been that faithful. I've been assuming and wishing. Verse 10 shows us that David prayed to God initially about attacking the Philistines, and God answered him directly. "Go up and I will give them into your hand." After following God's directions and defeating them, the Philistines again tried to raid the land. In verse 14, instead of assuming and wishing for a result about how to fight them this time, David again went to God and asked "what should I do? God changed attack plans. "Don't go up, go around from behind the trees and then attack. I will be there before you and crush them" (paraphrased ... obviously). Again, David followed faithfully his instructions and beat the Philistines.
Here's what I learned - I can't assume God wants me to stay because he originally opened this door. I can't assume God wants me to move on simply because I'm not happy. I can't wish for things to just fall into place. I need to have an open dialogue with Him about what I want and need and how I feel about it. But not only that, I need to just be straight with Him and ask simply "What should I do?" and wait for His response. I've been spending more time whining and crying out about this and that and how I feel than I have simply asking "What should I do, Lord?" and being still.
 We've talked about prayer a lot at youth group and have been focusing a lot of our beginning time on prayer and going to God with things. Josh has emphasized time and time again, God wants to hear from us. God wants to know how I feel, even if He already knows it, because He wants to be my BFF. How many of you have BFF's that know there's something up before you've even said anything?! That's how God works! Not only that, but God wants to give us directions on how to deal with the problems and requests we bring to Him - if we'd just listen. Again, how many of you have BFF's that you go to for advice and then after spilling your guts just turn around and leave before they say anything? It's just not normal behavior to do that to your BFF! You wait for them to give you some direction, even if they sit in silence to sort out all the details, you sit and wait. This is how we need to treat our prayer time with God! Yet, too often, we cut it short. "Well I said everything I needed to say. Love ya. Goodnight." God commands us to "be still and know that I am God" in Psalm 46:10. We need to take the time to sit in His presence and know what comes next.

Please understand, this is just as much a call to action for myself as it is to all Christians. I struggle greatly in my own personal prayer life in maintaining and sustaining it. So if you're feeling convicted, it's the Holy Spirit working in you, just like He's working in me as I write this and read my study plan. We are in this together - we need to be up front and honest with each other as Christians to not just hold each other accountable but to HELP each other in our weaknesses. We've gotten away from this in the American church (maybe even in other countries as well!) James 5:16 (emphasis mine) tells us to "... confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." Yet we're too ashamed to do this because we think "no one understands my struggles". If we're open and honest, we'd be amazed at how many people may relate in some way if not specifically the same.
 This has been a hard call for me. I am a pastor's wife. I am held to a certain standard. If I show people a weakness, then too often I'm not who or what I should be as a pastor's wife. However, I promised myself that when we moved to Cincinnati I would be more transparent. It is my duty as a Christian to be this way (again, read James 5:16). Take it or leave it, but I know I am doing right by my Heavenly Father in this.

I seemed to have gotten on a mini-soap box but it fit the bill and tied in with this message. Besides, when the Spirit leads, you follow!
Pray for me to continue in this process with God and my prayer time as well as the decisions to be made for the following year. I'll be praying that the message here works in you in some way.

In Christ's love,
~C-Tay :)

Welcoming Trials

 
I really think this verse can speak for itself and of course it means something a little different for everyone. I was presented this verse a year ago yesterday as I struggled with understanding the impact I was wanting to make. My situation is different this year. I know that I can make an impact where I'm at - that's not the struggle. The struggle is with feeling like I'm not in the right place. There's a lot of things coming against me day in and day out. It's frustrating because over summer this seemed like a "sure thing".

When I was in high school, I felt God placed a calling of missions to Africa in my heart. I didn't know what it looked like or when it would happen. I just knew that's where God wanted me to go. College came and went. I got married, settled down with a kid and went back to school for a teaching degree. Still longing in my heart to make my way to Africa, just with family in tow. I finished my degree, got my certification, and stayed in my current employment situation awaiting a different missions call that as a family we thought was our direction. God closed that door after many months of learning, growing, and stretching us. The plan for me was never to stay in that employment situation, it was a means to an end because it was a decent job with a decent employer. Yet I stayed after the door closed instead of listening to God. He eventually forced me through the open door He wanted me to go through.

Thus began my teaching career officially. I went through a year of substituting followed by a summer school stint - both in STL city charter schools. The next school year was quickly approaching and I was without a position - of course my substitute gig was welcoming me back with open arms. Then I got a call. A full-time position teaching English to 7th and 8th graders at an inner city charter school.

This time a year ago, I was questioning myself constantly about the impact I was making in their lives. Did it even matter that I was there? What purpose did I have being their teacher? Then it dawned on me - this is my Africa. I say that in two parts - one because all of my students were of the African-American race but also because this was my mission field. God never clearly defined Africa for me in high school - just that I was supposed to be on mission to children of that descent.

That's why this job seemed to be a "sure thing". It had so many similarities to my school in STL - while obviously being different in the other ways. However, it was another inner city charter school with a majority population listed as African-American. Yet, the trials have changed. Instead of worrying about what impact I'm making in these kids lives, I'm struggling to understand the educational world we currently live in. Am I still meant to be a teacher? Is this worth it? Am I as good a teacher as people claim I am? I know I can teach. I know I can give instruction about concepts and skills and strategies and incorporate real world practicality to it. But here's the thing - none of that matters in this current educational climate. So I've been left sitting here looking to the sky asking God, "what am I to do?"

Even if this is a simple testing of my faith, I'm still lost as to what my work life will be. I have no fear of what my faith will respond - even if it does falter here and there. I know that in the end I will be on God's side. But being lost is a scary thing. Not knowing what comes next is daunting - especially when you have a family and financial responsibilities to take part in.

So what does this verse mean in this situation?

Let me restate this from the ESV into my own personal understanding of the verse -

Rejoice because for some time you have been worrying over struggles. These tested the strength of your faith - which is more precious than gold which burns in a fire, a testing of its strength - which will end in praise of Jesus and the revealing of all He has done.

So as I sit here reading and reflecting on my situation and this verse, I see that I need to rejoice and thank God - there's things that I can be thankful for even while I sit in my struggle and confusion.
I'm thankful I have a job. I'm thankful that I don't have to drive far to get to work. I'm thankful that I have a handful of students who I have some kind of relationship with that make coming to work easier - even if it's on a completely different realm than my relationships with my students last year.
I am thankful because my strength has increased every time I've fallen to my knees to talk to God whether in joy or anger or sadness since this journey has begun.
I am thankful that I have the opportunity to reveal Christ to these kids who so desperately need hope in their lives - even though I know I fail daily at it because of the situations that arise day in and day out - but I can make that a prayer to become stronger in this aspect so I can be a better light of Christ.
I can use this verse to look over the ways I can be thankful and rejoice, which too often I have focused more on the negative instead. That's what this verse means for this situation.

A year ago, I struggled to feel like I made an impact. Today, I struggle to know if I'm even where God wants me to be. A year changes a lot. We can either learn and grow, or stay firmly planted where our feet have us. I know I still have a lot of learning and growing to do - and as painful as it can be, I welcome it.

In Christ's love,
~C-Tay :)

Lot's Wife

"But Lot's wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." Gen 19:26

I was on my way home from visiting STL and my heart was feeling heavy. I was dreading coming back to Cincinnati. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and I definitely wanted to be done with the 5 hour drive, but I was sad to yet again leave behind loved ones who are struggling to let go just as much as I am and I didn't want to face work the next day. I sent Josh the following text message; "What am I doing with my life? I mean I tell everybody that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do, but then why am I not happy?"

Like Lot's wife, I followed my husband. I know God has a plan and is laying it out before our feet - I mean c'mon... the fact that my principal prayed me into the position that I myself was praying for?? Hello - God-given!!

Like Lot's wife, I've been finding myself looking back, longing for the things left behind. CSR is nothing like PMA. Cincy is nothing like STL. FFC is nothing like Pathway. Compare, compare, compare. Josh answered me back saying "...You look back at all the accomplishments and relationships and want them right away. God is wanting us to rely on Him to make the difference through us..."

As soon as I read that text message, God brought to mind this verse. Strange that I would know this verse so well that it was hidden in my heart for this moment, but here it was. "But Lot's wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." God called Lot and his family up out of Sodom because of the evil that was happening there. He had a bigger and better plan for them, if they would just pack up and leave and not look back. Why shouldn't they look back? This was their home. They were surely leaving behind loved ones. They definitely couldn't take everything with them.

When I first read this verse many years ago, I just took Lot's wife's action as a curiosity of what was happening to the city. However, yesterday it took a whole new meaning for me. Now, I'm not saying there is evil left behind in STL. (I mean, the city does have it's share of problems - but what city doesn't?!) Lot's wife wasn't supposed to long for the things she was told to leave behind because what God had in store for them was even greater than the sin and debauchery that lived in Sodom.

That is my take-away. I'm not supposed to long for the things left behind - miss them, sure, to a certain extent. To miss them only so that it doesn't interfere with the plans God has laid out for me here in Cincy. If I'm too focused on what's left behind, I can't see what God has presented before me. I can't see the opportunities that He has placed in my path. I don't want my life to idolize what I've left behind so that I become a pillar of salt in my community.

I pray that whatever it is in your life that is causing you to look back like Lot's wife, you may realize that God has a better thing right in front of you to focus on. Pray for me that I may extend my focus there as well.

In Christ's Love,
~C-Tay :)

Wait and Rely Part 2

If you haven't read this post (Waiting for the Voice of God) do so first ...

I recently went to the movies to see "War Room". This is a Christian based flick talking about the power of prayer. It held a lot of great truth that I've always known but kept filed in the back of my head. It held a lot of great ideas of how to grow your prayer life, things I've desired but can't seem to "find the time" to implement. Over the summer, being a teacher, I had a lot of down time. For once I was able to spend some deep devoted time with God as soon as the kids were asleep for their nap - something that I've always craved. See in my little brain, if I can't spend an adequate amount of time, it's just not worth it. This is also the brain that would tell me once I finally got to the parking lot in college, even if I was only 5 minutes late, that I shouldn't walk in - it's not worth it - and I would turn around and go home. I usually chalk it up it to  my anxiety disorder, but I also know it's a tool in satan's toolbox to keep me from getting closer to my Father. Anyways, back to the matter at hand. I would sit in the room without the distractions of TV, computer, etc. and pull out my bible study, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and spend some time with God. Afterwards, I would meditate on the Word, pray, read a little something else - whatever I deemed necessary to fill that time. Those few weeks were a couple of the deepest for me as I struggled to understand what God was calling me to be here in Cincinnati.

By the time I got to week 5, I still had no idea of where to be except that I just kept hearing "wait and rely on Me". See, I had been offered a full-time teaching position, but something inside was saying "no" to it. It was to teach 4-6th grade as one group and I would have to teach every subject - I don't do math.... so that was a big issue for me, even though she had said I could co-teach it. But that "no" inside was resounding every time I thought about the position. Pretty much everyone that I talked to about it was saying it sounded like a great opportunity. Good pay, right age group, in the charter system like I wanted, and it was full-time!

After the devotional reading, she has a section for personal bible study. In part one she gave us a list of things to do while in a waiting period - how did she know I was still waiting? lol - She then asked "What are you waiting for? How will this help you?" How else could I answer these questions but to pray these things to God. (Here's where I get vulnerable and share with you the deepest cries of my heart in a time I needed God... remember I told you God's been laying it on my heart to be more open about my walk!)

1. Do not lost confidence in God's goodness - God I'm not confident at all. I don't know what You are asking of me. Do I go the safe route and change my teaching direction? Do I give up my teaching career and focus on my personal businesses?
2. Be strong - God, I put on a strong face, but inside I'm weak - so weak.
3. Do not lose hope - I have hope in You and Your provisions. I know they'll come. You never fail me.
4. Let God be your shield and help - God, did you send Ashleigh as a shield for me? Was she a stop sign, an answer to the confusion of my direction?
5. Be patient - Forgive me for sounding bitter, I don't want to be ... I started this in April and I feel like I still don't have a clue. I know it takes time and I know You are building this up for us - But I just want a straight answer!!
6. Continue to cry out to God - God, show me the way!!!
7. Cling to His word - Ps. 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." God, I love You deeply and I know You see that. I know I need to get better at certain things in our relationship. God, continue to grow me to be more like You.
8. Watch for His answers - I feel so diluted in my judgment of Your answers. I want a simple direction, I'm too confused, too hesitant.
9. Trust in His unfailing love - This sticks out in a new way today...not focusing on the love part but on the unfailing part. No matter what You never fail. Your love covers all and I need to focus on that. If You love us, You'll protect us.
10. Rejoice in His redemption - Def 2 (Google Search: Redemption) "The action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment or clearing a debt." I love this definition, God. You have regained possession of me by sending Jesus to pay my debt. Thank You!

The rest of the week was a week of praying ... simple prayers, deep prayers, prayers of thanksgiving, prayers of guidance, prayers of acknowledgement to what He has required. I realized in this week that God was sending me messengers. One of them was mentioned in my prayers above. I had a conversation with someone who was also talking with that school and it confirmed the feelings of "no" I was feeling inside. However I still had no clue what life was bringing my way. If I said no, what other options did I have? I sat down with Josh and we talked things over. I poured out to him all my dreams and desires, what I saw God was calling me to, with an understanding that I still didn't quite know the end result. We left the conversation both deciding we needed to devote more time to this with God.

A couple weeks later, I decided to try my hand one last time at applying for teaching positions. I got onto the AppliTrack guide and began updating and filling things out for anything and everything middle-high school English related. I finished up, wishing I had my Ohio certificate because I figured this was a hinderance to schools hiring me but praying that at least one school would be understanding. I submitted the applications and went to my email because they send out a confirmation. Guess what I found in my mailbox next to the confirmation of my application submission? Yep, my Ohio certificate! So I knew I had a couple options. Go back in and re-do everything over and look foolish (in my eyes) for submitting two duplicate applications within minutes of each other. Take some time to search for emails of the schools I applied to so I could explain the situation and give them the updated information. Or, just sit back and hope for the best. Like any blue-blooded American nowadays, I took my dilemma to FB, HA! I knew I wasn't going to go re-do the whole thing. My question was, should I be passive-agressive and hope or take a step of pro-activeness? My wise earthly father gave me my answer, so on July 15th I compiled a list of emails of the schools and told them about the situation and attached my OH certificate. On July 16th I was called by CSR Academy for an interview. I finally had my answer.

Sometimes it is hard to sit back and wait. Sometimes, it is hard to rely on God because we want to figure things out ourselves. However, in those moments of waiting and relying, so much growth happens. I know because I was faithful in my waiting, God was faithful in answering my prayers. I wanted to be at a school similar to where I was last year, iLead wasn't meeting that criteria exactly but CSR meets it through and through. God is blessing me greatly at this school - something for another post on a different day! - and all I can really do in these moments is praise God for being faithful to me in everything.

In Christ's Love,
~Colleen :)

Let's Be Real

I've been promising myself that I need to start being more real about my faith and my Christian walk. I need to show that the façade I like to paint isn't really always there. This is a hard step because my husband is in ministry and a leading role at a church, so I feel like if I "confess" then I'm making him and us the next headline of Christians to be mocked. But it's not supposed to be like this ...

In James 5:16 (NLT version to be quoted) it says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." However, we cannot pray for each other if we're not able to be real and confess to each other.

Now, I'm sure I have a lot of you that are throwing your hands up wanting to shake me because I just said "we can't pray for each other" and Yes, you're right - that statement isn't completely true. We can always say a prayer without knowing the details. What I'm trying to express is that unless we can come clean, share and explain where our struggles are, we cannot begin to heal from the wounds our sins create. Look at that verse again - "Confess your sins to each other AND PRAY for each other SO THAT you may be healed" (shout out to my SS class since we're studying the SO THAT's of the Bible right now!!)

Check out the last part. "The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." We are made righteous through our faith in Jesus. Even if we have a simple faith, just starting fresh from knowledge, we posses power in our prayers. If we are willing to pray for a friend who has shared with us the struggle, wouldn't you agree that we're going to say it earnestly for them to be healed from that pain? I don't think anyone who sits back to say a prayer says it without passion.

About a month ago I had a dear friend text me. Josh was gone on Mission Trip and I was home alone with the kids. They had gone to bed and I was wallowing in my own despair struggling with some personal issues. This verse continued to nag me. Anyways, this friend texts me saying "Colleen, will you pray for me? I'm in a bad place :/ I love you <3 <3 <3 <3" and I realized God is wanting me to act out what He has commanded in His word. And thus began a couple hour discussion/expression/release of things we both had been holding on to for way too long. By the end of our conversation I asked her if I could say a prayer - for the both of us. We had just talked about Jesus' prayer in Gethsemane in SS a few days prior about how He prayed for Himself first and His struggles about going to the cross before He lifted up His disciples and finally the rest of the body of believers to God. We had talked about how we should make that an instance of prayer in our own lives. I mean, how can we deal with others without dealing with ourselves first (hmmm... ties in to what I'm teaching my scholars at school based off of the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" by Sean Covey! Sorry, shiny bubble moment...) So I dove in. I prayed for myself and what I had been struggling with and then I prayed for my dear friend and her struggles. The rush of peace and relief that came over me as I typed the text up and hit send was astounding. I need to worship more so I grabbed my music on Pandora and went to my Shane & Shane station. "This is Who I Am" was the first song that came on - what a God send. (See video embedded in post).

I still struggle with being open and real and honest. I'm a private person. My struggles are not to be aired to anyone else - or so that's how I was raised. I struggle with SAD so I am ever aware of people's opinion's of me - or what I think and observe their opinions of me to be are. But I know that I have been called to confess and I have been called to earnestly pray for those who come to me in confession. It's a work in progress, but it's progressing.

There was more to this post as I wrote it up in my head this morning (this is why I need to be infused with a brain connector to an electronic device so it transposes my thoughts) but maybe, maybe this was all the Spirit really needed me to say.

In Christ's Love
~Colleen :)

Waiting for the Voice of God

In a bible study I'm currently going through on my own, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith by Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries, I just started the third week where it talks about Believing. I've just gone through Leaving and Famine sections where it talks about leaving something behind to follow God (section 1) and dealing with losing the item we've left behind (section 2). I struggled with knowing what it was I was leaving behind. I still am not completely sure what exactly God is calling me to leave. I mean, sure I'm in the middle of a big move - away from family and friends and it's not like my trip to Bethany, WV where I can call my daddy to come get me if I don't like it! And I always told Josh, "where you go I will follow". So I don't feel like leaving St. Louis was really what God was asking me to leave - even if it's the obvious thing I'm leaving. I've struggled with this majorly, especially not knowing my job situation here in Cincy. Am I still supposed to teach? Does it look like a classroom position? Am I supposed to be a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom for those of you who aren't familiar with the text lingo) like my dream and focus on our business enterprises - my photography, Amway, Celebrating Homes? What is it God is wanting from me right now????

Have you ever been in a situation where you were just completely helpless, or at least felt that way? It sucks. You're left wondering ... well a lot of things. When you're looking for God's direction and waiting on it, you begin to feel helpless and lost. It's easy to want to give up and give in. I struggle with patiently waiting ... not so much the patient part but really with the waiting. I can make myself be patient when I think about having to wait, that's not the issue. I don't like having to wait. I don't like lapse of time between things. I want everything to flow concurrently within my life so there's no gaps. But sometimes there needs to be gaps.

In my reading for today, the study suggested reading I Kings 19:11-12. It says,
"And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper".

My waiting was rocked.

Elijah was told to go and wait for the Lord to come speak to him. Before the Lord came and spoke, Elijah had to surpass a strong wind. After that, an earthquake. Then finally, a fire. Once the fire was gone, the Lord whispered. The kind of whisper that you use when you're sharing a secret with your BFF in their ear so no one else could hear. Or at least that's how I read it! :D Anyways, this passage opened my eyes to my wait time. Sometimes I will have to go through some things before I will hear the Lord's voice. These things will only make me stronger. I mean, c'mon what kind of man makes it through a windstorm, an earthquake, AND a fire!! I have to bide my time, suffer through the wait, and trust in God. I know I can trust in God. He has proven Himself true over and over again to me. I know in the end He will provide and sustain me. It's the getting to the end that I struggle with.

I'm still unsure of the path God has drawn out for me while I'm here in Cincy. There's a few different options available but nothing set in stone, nothing - currently - on the same path that I was on. Maybe that's what God is asking me to give up - the path I know well and have traveled on recently. It's hard moving into the unknown, but like Abraham, Noah, Ruth, Samuel, David, Jeremiah from the Old Testament and Simon Peter & Andrew in the New Testament (among others) we must go through a leaving process first before going to new heights with Him (What Happens When, 23).

I'm going to share with you one of my reflections from a day in this study. You'll recognize the lines as they're lines from songs during my worship/reflection time. This seems to be the embodiment of my current situation...

WAIT, that's all I keep hearing - WAIT and RELY.
I need You.
Your grace is sufficient.
My heart and my soul, I give You control from the inside out.
I will wait on You (Psalm 13!).
I will call upon Your name... my soul will rest in Your embrace.

In Christ's love,
~Colleen :)

A Prayer Story

Let me tell you a story...

August 26, 2013, (although this story obviously dates back further than this, but this will be a good starting point for this chapter), C - as we'll call her for all extensive purposes - wrote out a prayer to God in reflection to Jacob's prayer in Genesis 32:9-12

Genesis 32:9-12 New International Version (NIV)

⁹ Then Jacob prayed, “O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, Lord, you who said to me, ‘Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’ ¹⁰ I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two camps. ¹¹ Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. ¹² But you have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.’”

C's Prayer:
"God, I feel a connection to Jacob's prayer in Genesis 32:9-12 -> is this what You desire of me? God, I'm not even sure what You have promised - did You really say we're to go to Costa Rica? I feel lost and confused, unsure of what it is you want. I feel like anytime something good comes our way, we chalk it up to You guiding us. Is that really the truth? I just want peace. I want happiness in You. Ok, let's be honest with each other ... I want you to provide me a way out. Or at least a direction if that's what You want of me - to leave here. Guidance ... that is my ultimate goal ... God, I need guidance! Please ...
I love you, Amen."

C had been struggling with her current job because she wasn't content there. It was a constant struggle because her boss was good to her and her family, going out of his way to take care of them in times of struggles. But yet C wanted something more. When C took this job she thought it'd be a short term thing. In her head, C and her husband would be in Costa Rica within a year doing Mission Work. God had a different plan for them. So this short term job turned into a full time job with lots of overtime and un-requested hours. C's family life and personal life took a major hit. She was unhappy and complacent in life (as you can read by that prayer above!) She was afraid to leave, because what could she do? She had a degree - but no experience. Who would hire that? No one would as she was told by college counselors at least. She knew her family needed her income, but slowly. she was losing it.

Over the next couple of weeks, God showed her that there was a way out. He placed certain people in her life to talk and discuss her current job situation with her and it always ended with "you need to move on". September 9, she made the final decision. It unfortunately didn't go the way she had hoped (C has never been good with confrontations of any sort - human error :D), but she was out of there. Out of there, and jobless - which also meant income-less.

Within a month's time, God had given provision to C and her family. She found a part time temp job. To which she thanked God saying:

"God,
I cannot thank You enough for Your provision in our desperate time of need. I know it's not much, but it's better than nothing. Thank You for the opportunity I have to do something I love and enjoy, but continue to watch over our needs .... Thank you again for Your love and consideration poured over my life. Amen"

She couldn't thank her Heavenly Father enough. He had given her the out she requested and then blessed her. Through the next few months, she grew and learn and garnered understanding. There were rough patches, like December, when she wasn't ever called to come in, or during January-February because of the birth of S. However, after February, God abundantly blessed C by giving her three options instead of one for the next three months. Again, she prayed on April 25:

"God, thank You for being faithful in Your promises to us. Thank you for watching over us and providing for us. I know deep down that You will always take care of me and mine, but I don't always live that out. Thank you for this reminder from Your word (Joshua 21:45, see C for detailed journal if lost :D) and for the provisions of multiple job dates next month. I love you. Amen."

Then, when it was beginning to look grim with no income over the summer, God again provided - this time a full time temp job for a month doing exactly what she had been groomed to do.

Now, the next couple weeks proved greatly distressing to C. She sent many resumes and applications out, went on a few interviews, and always was turned down. She was disappointed because she had a taste of what it was like full time and she wanted to drink it in. But, she did always have that part time temp job to lean on in a worst case scenario. When her options looked grim on the full time front, she began to search out other part time temp positions and got a few bites. Then, she got a call on Thursday, July 24.

Now C missed this call (she was sleeping, but SHHH! don't tell her husband! :D), and returned it later that day - to a voicemail. By Friday afternoon she still hadn't heard back about the interview so she thought to herself "maybe I should try again". This time when she called, she said to the office "I don't want his voicemail" and they made sure to grab him. They wanted to still interview, but they wanted to close out and make a choice, so they asked if she could still make it by 3 (mind you, it was 2 at the time). C quickly said, yes, of course - knowing her mother who she was meeting could wait on her for an interview! - but that she'd have to bring her 2 children if that was okay. He okayed it and off C, E, and S went.

*Let me give E a shout out here, because he was so amazing during this interview. He sat back and played his games and let his mom take care of her business. S, was awesome too, she slept - such a good baby lol!*

The interview seemed flawless, C's best interview yet. She remembered to talk herself up, sell herself, let him know that she was desirable in this profession. He told her he would call her on Monday by noon with the final decision.

Monday, July 28, 12 pm came and went and C hadn't heard a thing. She was frustrated, annoyed, and hurt. Why must she continue through this pain?? (C can be a bit of a baby, and sometimes may overreact to things .... it's a character flaw, but hey she's human!) C's hubby sent her to his grandma's for an early dinner and so C packed up the kids and headed over. While she was driving, she missed a call ... and a voicemail. It was the call she had been waiting for. Fumbling with her phone, she quickly returned the call, only to meet his voicemail. Knowing that last time she left it, he never got it, she called back again and asked for him directly. They patched her through to him and she was offered a full time teaching position for 7th/8th grade Communication Arts.

Yet again, God had provided for C and her family.

It's been a whirlwind of a week for C and school starts on Tuesday - yes this coming Tuesday, August 5! But man, is C ready to go!

God,
Thank You for always providing for us, even when we think the worse and we're down and out of luck. Of course, that's when we need Your provisions the most, and You seem to know what it takes to be our Savior - in more ways than just that. Thank You, thank You, THANK YOU! You are too good to us.

Thank You for growing me to the point where I trust in You enough to know Your guidance and that You'll always provide a way. Help me to always live this concept out, because I do have moments of doubt - yes, I remember I'm human God, but I know I can be better.

Thank You for giving my family the chance to be stable, to be on our feet, and to get ourselves to a good place. This job acceptance isn't just about finances, it's about family attitude and growth as well. Having this position changes more than just our finances - help us to make those changes for the good.

God, I seriously cannot thank You enough. It's hard enough to express the joy I feel right now. Help me to remember this when I feel broken, beat up, and bruised after rough days. I love you Lord. Amen.

In Christ's Love,
~C :)